Still Here

No, I have not stopped blogging about the babies, there is just not a whole lot going on in the last couple of months of pregnancy -- at least from the father's perspective. My wife had three showers, so there is a lot of baby stuff in the nursery. She is also having weekly non-stress tests, given that it is a high-risk pregnancy and all. But for me, it is just a matter of staying focused at work as the birth gets closer. The last two months have seemed as long as the first seven.

I did accomplish three things today on the daddy consumer front. First, I picked out an Activity Center for the kids. A very scientific process of looking at little seats with plastic toys and trying to figure out which one my as-yet-unborn children would like. Craps anyone?

Second, I purchased two mobiles for the kids. Fortunately, thanks to The New Father by Armin A. Brott, which I recommend, I do know something about this. Newborns can see from birth, but not very well. Therefore, the best way to entertain them is with sharp contrasting colors like black and white. It is also important to remember that babies can't lift their heads much, so they will only be looking at a mobile from below. While stuffed animals may be cute to adults, they mean little to babies. After some web snooping, I settled on this mobile from Geniusbabies.com. The music only plays for a few minutes, but that is what the Ipod is for anyway.

Finally, I managed to do something good for the environment. To save our sanity, we will be using disposable plates and bowls for a while so as to minimize dish washing. Fortunately, I noticed these in my office. Eco-Products makes a whole line of compostable plastic made from corn. Unfortunately we purchased plastic plates and bowls before I learned about Eco-Products, but at least we will be able to compost our cups and, in the future, I will know where to go to balance convenience and renewable resources.

Final Verdict?

Not a minivan.

Birthing Class

My wife and I have been attending a birthing class once a week for the last few weeks. You know, "Hee-hee-hee-hoooo . . . ." Well, this past week was the class when they talk about complications and show you the video of various actual deliveries -- c-sections, vaginal births with and without drugs, that kind of thing.

Freaked out now? Yes indeedy. After the discussion about the various pain medication options for the mother, I asked what drugs were available for the father. Everyone laughed, but the men were not laughing quite as hard as the women (including the instructor). I think they secretly knew what I knew: I was serious.

The Master Plan . . .

When the babies are born, I am going to publish a birth announcement for one in The Moscow Times in Russia and a birth announcement for the other in People's Daily in China. I will raise each to speak the language of their assigned country and immerse them in the culture of one of its oppressed cultural/racial minorities.

When they reach the proper age I will ship them off to prestigious law schools in their respective countries. They will graduate, become community organizers, gradually get into politics, and eventually rise to executive positions of ultimate power. That part is a little fuzzy, but we'll figure it out.

Using my contacts in federal intelligence agencies, we will bribe the proper officials to issue fake certifications of their birth once their ascent is complete. We can then use them as stealth instruments to shift the balance of world power. It is almost too easy.

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